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  • Tamara Sagathevan

Whelmed

The one lesson I am yet to learn in this life, is do not make blog-promises. Well at least if you are me. It happened on my Polish blog too, I promised and promised and soon - I just disappeared into the blog blackhole.


You can do a few things with that bit of above info, you can delve into my psychology or ability, or even brace yourself for the experience you're likely to have following me on this website. I HATE when I do that. I have this horrible script that runs in my head, about all the conclusions people will make about me based on what I said. So I try to voice them before they can, or regulate what I am saying. I say and often feel like I do give zero flying-f's about people and their opinions about me, yet I have so many "shoulds" that run through my head about peoples opinions, that surely I must give many f's, u's, c's and k's respectively.


Anyway, I have finished some things; creative recovery, stickers, writing a script for a class I want to do. Decided others; gonna pursue this art life scrotum to the vertical barrier, want to get out of the urban life in the next year. Dithering on the next steps; recording a video, being better at social media, finding the ducks that need to be put into a row.


I don't feel "it" today, this sense of purpose I have been riding for the last few days since I "admitted" that I want to be a fulltime artist. I feel, whelmed. Not over, not under, just perfectly...whelmed. I never had this luxury in my old work/job, to feel anything that would cause poor performance, or procrastinate. I always felt procrastination was when you had little to nothing to do, so you just waited till the last moment - really I did. Now I am in this space where when I have too many things to do, and I sometimes choose to do nothing, and exist in this really horrible space. Before you go all Tony Robbin Sharma on me, I KNOW, it is a choice, a luxury, I know I can get myself out by doing X, Y, Z, but what all this art work has taught me over the months is that I sometimes NEED to feel the bad things, and that is ok. I dislike being sad, or not moving forward in my plans. I really despise it. I have this sense of "you're wasting life". Still I want to feel it...but not too hard, ah ha!


Art has been getting better and better, I have less of a fear that I will never create again after each piece. Less and less times in dry spells, and sketching is now a habit (touch wood). However I am recently dealing with some fear after a "good" piece, that I may never create something cool again. Yawn. Other good stuff, I know my supplies better, new supplies have become more about what I want vs. what a course or teacher dictates/suggests. I am more comfortably working intuitively, something I never thought I would say. I have favourite paint colours: Reflex Pink, Reflex Green both from Talens and Bright Aqua Green from Liquitex.


I am looking forward to Autumn. I never thought I would be THIS invested in the weather, or in Peppa Pig, which has some snarky humour. I am hoping that I can finally recover from the Summer cacophony in the stillness of Autumn, and watch more Peppa Pig.


My niece made a YouTube video today, she is 7. I found it really inspirational. Things weren't going so well at some points, but she kept on saying "wow" and "cool", because she was mostly having fun, and doing something she wanted to. Was I so phenomenal as a kid? I have memories of stealing mangoes and farting in the bed at that age - but maybe I inspired someone too. Maybe there is some old man running around Johannesburg farting up a storm each time he passes a Mango tree.


Yeah, I'll take that.


Tamka Out

One of the characters on canvas I am currently try to bring to life - copyright ok! Copyright exists, don't be a twat and steal my art - felt compelled to say this, to randomly swear people and shout copyright!

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