Today all my feelings are all over all the places.
I would prefer, if I am very honest, to stay happy, logical, and focused, all those "good" things, but it rarely feels like I can do that. Today I definitely experienced all the feelings in the rainbow, and it has left me feeling like I should* be able to regulate better.
I feel annoyed, maybe even weak, that I am a person who can feel a range of emotions within a short space of time, so a day, even a week. Which now that I type it out sounds a bit ridiculous, wanting to stay in the same mood the entire week, and giving myself a hard time for not being able to is not something I would expect from another human.
Now that I sit with this idea, and write this post, I realise it is not regulation I am craving. It is the restriction of feeling, all the habits of old.
Where I worked myself through all the signals and signs, ate myself through the pain, learned myself through the meaninglessness. Action, action, action. It gave me a sense of being in control, that somehow my actual situation was not my situation. Avoidance through action.
And now, I have to face, and feel, and sit, and it comes through in art, or in writing, or in nature - and today, it is so so hard.
I feel like a failure today. I don't want to justify, or explain it away, or be soothed necessarily - because I know, logically, experience wise, it will pass, and return, and pass. Life/death/life.
But for today, I just wanted to confess. I feel a little bit a lot like a waste of space.
*should = my alert word
*Voetsek: go away
I painted this in 2019 - I felt like I had all the characteristics of all these animals vs. just one, and it FRUSTRATED me, and here we are again 2021...