I swear a lot
I don't know why I needed to say it...
Well I do know, it's because sometimes I am writing something here, or Insta or in my artwork and the words want to come out and I am like, "Oh no! People don't like swearing in this community". So I self censor.
Then when I censor, my inner critic lays it on thick about how I am the most inauthentic person to stroll the Earth. Just a human version of a knockoff handbag.
Authenticity is such a big theme for me for the past 3 years...maybe I should work on that? Nah fuck it.
Part of the in-authenticity struggle was Instagram. Social Media, in fact interactions of any kind, are so hard for me. I had about 275 people that I followed (do not laugh at me), and around the same following me back (stop laughing). In a matter of days, interacting with those followers and followed, became an obsession for me. "This person liked my stuff, I need to make sure I interact too - BUT I must be authentic, so I need to do the work and look at their piece, be truthful, constructive, a heart and wow face just do not cut it for me."
It felt like a full time job!
So in full time job fashion, I made a spreadsheet and was making sure I interacted with those people. I tried to put them in 3 groups so I could do alternate days, but I could not keep up. Then I started missing out on the work of the people who I do have relationships with, and who inspire me with their work. Their messages pile up in my inboxes. Now I tell myself I am the worst friend, the most irresponsible selfish piece of shit to ever have access to people.
Add to the mix all the other crap happening and the disappearance of the Sun in Poland, I just felt sick (in all dimensions).
My hilarious take on Polish Seasons Wiosna (Spring), Lato (Summer), Jesień (Autumn) and Zima (Winter)
SO I just paused, I stepped away (thank you Life Coach/Therapist), and geez it helped. While I still have many jumbled thoughts and things that I am trying to establish and work out, which I will shout about here, I did the following today:
- Was open on social media, that I am not a social media anything and that it is overwhelming for me
- Unfollowed people that do not inspire me - it doesn't mean their work is no good, what I mean is that their work is not for me, not right now - AND THAT IS OK
- Changed my Bio a bit to reflect the mischievous me and also made sure that people know I do not do the follow for follows
- Decided that I will only post and scroll Insta a maximum of once a day, a minimum of whenever I damn want
At the end of the day, I would love for people to like my work, to learn from me, for me to be a source of good in others lives HOWEVER that may never happen, and if that is the truth that awaits me, then what is the point in being so afraid of being inauthentic that I become so? No. I would rather be myself, paint my ugly characters, make my shit blogs, and not self censor or worry about people hating me, coz then I am living truthfully and joyfully.