TEN THINGS - UPDATE ON SOME THINGS IN ME MIND
I really want to get back into the blogging habit - I feel like my blogs are a bit more raw than my vlogs, I think I feel that they are less likely to be read, and therefore, I can be a bit more open.
Thing is when I DO sit down to write I have so many little things popping for attention, and the big ideas feel too big, so I just choose the smallest thing or the smallest idea that needs to come out, and then I don't publish.
Effy Wild has this amazing thing she does, she writes "10 things" where she gathers the big, small, heavy and light, and I so badly want to use this idea, but am also afraid of being unoriginal...so can for the record I say, this is Effy's idea, and I hope it morphs into something for me, but until I employ it...I will never know. So go easy on me (said I to myself).
I finished my first sketchbook this week, the first sketchbook I have ever finished. Now that it is done I feel a weird ass energy, HUGE excitement, and when that cedes, I feel
shame, embarrassment... lot's of "should's". I feel that having 1 complete sketchbook shows what an amateur I am. I feel that being as excited as I am, is the most annoying energy. I haven't figured it out yet, where it comes from, what it needs from me, but I am glad I finally got to name what's going on.
One of my sketches...
I have a Harmonica. If there's one thing you need to know about me, is that I have these bursts of noise making; throat singing, blowing a bird whistle, knocking shit about with sticks - I guess things that people would classify as little boy things, so I didn't get to do it as much as I wanted. Hmm. Anyway, I thought a Harmonica would be a great addition to my clown repertoire, something to pull out at opportune moments. However after getting it, I have spent the entire day obsessed with it, and trying to learn how to play it properly, and I feel so excited and happy!
After watching Murderville on Netflix, I decided to watch the British Version. It's a murder mystery show, where they have a celebrity playing the role of a detective, and everything is unscripted. Without sounding like one of those "American version haters"...I of course liked the British version more, it is both brilliant and horrible. I binged watched almost all the seasons I could find online, which is very unlike me.
"I fight fire with fire...because I don't understand chemistry" DC Sleet, Murder in Successville
Last week I submitted my lesson/session for Creative Loving Healing Summit, with Creative U, Larissa Russel. I found it to be so much easier than my skillshare class (which was definately a trial by fire), but I still found some aspects challenging. I catch myself every now and then wondering, what if people absolutely hate me, or my art...and then I push that away. Because I don't want to deal with that right now!
My old boss, contacted me last week, and it opened up a shit storm inside of me. See one time, I said something about a racist tirade from a Woman (Margaret Hirsch CEO of Hirsch's Stores - come at me Bro.) who was a client of my ex-bosses friends, who might one day be our client (never happened) blah blah. I remember the entire feeling of having to delete something I said (which was not rude, or ugly BTW) AND ALL the emotions that came with it. I thought of the anti-apartheid rallies I attended as a child, of all the work we did as people of colour, and I had to delete a post asking questions about racist behaviours. I had never had to do something like that, and it was one of the many reasons I ended up leaving. What did he (my ex-boss) want? To ask me if I had the video clip of her racist training video so he could show someone else, so that they could know what a bad person she was. *Let that sink in*
What I hated most, was how when ex-boss contacted me, how quickly I stepped into my old role and self - "How can I help?" I have so much to come to terms with, regarding those years of my life [not so long ago]
When it came to the questions I had about my art, and where this is all going, this message from the Universe came to me, it just said "Be Prepared". It didn't sound ominous, but writing it makes me clench a little :D
Our bed frame broke, and I wish I could add a suggestive *wink wink* after that, but no. It just can't support our weight. So we moved the mattress to my art studio. My room is cozy, warm, and I can turn and throw down on the mattress with zero worries.
We're still trying to find an apartment, and it is ANNOYING. I know that the right one will come at the right time, but this apartment has done it's job for us, it is far too large for 2 people, and it is also just as expensive. I want to downgrade desperately, and free up some cash for all the more interesting things I could do with that money, like buy Oil paints, or a sticker cutting machine, or maybe save for our wedding...
The wedding, we're supposed to get married in September, my mum and brother (and maybe other family members) will be coming to witness it. I don't have a date, we don't have a venue, I don't have a dress - and I think most important, we don't have permission from the State to do it. Sill I am not half as stressed as I should be, if I was half as interested.
Thanks for trying out this new format with me!