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Space for my Sadness

Sometimes I don't feel like there is space for sadness, in my life, my relationships, my mind.


Sadness is the emotion I dislike in MYSELF the most. It feels so disempowering to me, to sit with my sad heart, feeling either disappointment or despair.


I know that my thinking is flawed. I know that not wanting to be sad is rooted in years of:

  • Swallowing down pain so the ones I love feel happy,

  • Awareness that I was living well in contrast to most of the country,

  • Religious ideology that I should be happy, because I was "saved"

I think by default I am a happy person, but when everything within me calls for sadness, I have such a tough time heeding that call.


There's that feeling in my chest, in my throat, at the side of my temples, like a blue tension. I don't like that fact that I need to cry, and I am almost always crying alone when I do.


I remember shortly after my father died, that we were sitting in a group with his family, having a happy time, and it hit me, so strongly that he was not there, this was the part where his laugh would have punctuated the air. I felt the anguish rise from my belly into my throat. It would have been perfectly normal, or acceptable if I did cry...but then, I am sure everyone would be sad, and my little brother too, and everyone was having such a nice time. SO I sat there and physically swallowed this animal cry that was trying to burst out, made an excuse about needing the toilet. Sat on the toilet with my t-shirt shoved into my mouth and cried, and cried and cried. Then I needed to make my face normal, so I washed, reapplied makeup, and waited till my eyes looked a bit better - and went outside like it was all great.


That's a disturbing story, nothing a 17 year old should be doing. BUT I didn't allow myself the space, and while I have most certainly become better at that, I now use art to SIT IN MY FEELINGS, some days, like today, I just don't want to.


Logically, I know what I need to do, therapy, art, sitting, feeling - probably a good cry- but survival wise, it feels like if I do any of those things with my sadness today...well, I don't know when I will be able to get up. I feel like I could fall into some dark hole, and wake up months later, legless.


Send me wisdom? I often feel like those goats you see on YouTube videos :)


Tamka Out

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I wrote a poem about how unsafe it was to cry. I call it The closet. I've had a rough time growing up. I was so very close to my dad. He passed. I keep a picture of him on my art table (kitchen table). Sometimes I look at his picture & say hi dad, or talk to him. When I think back, I have had so many great experiences with my dad but he let me down when I needed him the most. He is a big part of why I'm the way I am. I have sucked up my tears for most of my life. I did a lot of therapy. I went to those really deep dark…

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30 set 2022

17 yes at that same time I also learned a lot by this thing called greif,sadness,melancholy,hopelessness,yet ouch the pain! source of pain so so so different.And all those tears,O tamara you are healing from that spot of life..please share here too what you remembered that helps just a bit,

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30 set 2022

there is still so much more...i keep learning from life around me.

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30 set 2022

Animals and nature....is another 2 topics that help.observe the local ones around you or in local online nature web cam or in local parks

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30 set 2022

as a teenager i had to tough up because a band of siblings younger then me i had to be tough for them.instead of crying in the restroom..i would go into public restroom turn music on loud and dance with the teenagers in there getting ready for some wedding or party of something.it was not appropriate for the time...it was appropriate for the age.Teenagers are supposed to have the time of their lives..yet my teenage years was greif,crisis,and fast movements to places.My adult self....I take cheering breaks from life.I take dancing breaks from life.I would say if you feel sad turn on some music.feel during the song,sway move spin slowly in circles.imagine opening up a treasure chest and holding that little…

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