Sometimes I don't feel like there is space for sadness, in my life, my relationships, my mind.
Sadness is the emotion I dislike in MYSELF the most. It feels so disempowering to me, to sit with my sad heart, feeling either disappointment or despair.
I know that my thinking is flawed. I know that not wanting to be sad is rooted in years of:
Swallowing down pain so the ones I love feel happy,
Awareness that I was living well in contrast to most of the country,
Religious ideology that I should be happy, because I was "saved"
I think by default I am a happy person, but when everything within me calls for sadness, I have such a tough time heeding that call.
There's that feeling in my chest, in my throat, at the side of my temples, like a blue tension. I don't like that fact that I need to cry, and I am almost always crying alone when I do.
I remember shortly after my father died, that we were sitting in a group with his family, having a happy time, and it hit me, so strongly that he was not there, this was the part where his laugh would have punctuated the air. I felt the anguish rise from my belly into my throat. It would have been perfectly normal, or acceptable if I did cry...but then, I am sure everyone would be sad, and my little brother too, and everyone was having such a nice time. SO I sat there and physically swallowed this animal cry that was trying to burst out, made an excuse about needing the toilet. Sat on the toilet with my t-shirt shoved into my mouth and cried, and cried and cried. Then I needed to make my face normal, so I washed, reapplied makeup, and waited till my eyes looked a bit better - and went outside like it was all great.
That's a disturbing story, nothing a 17 year old should be doing. BUT I didn't allow myself the space, and while I have most certainly become better at that, I now use art to SIT IN MY FEELINGS, some days, like today, I just don't want to.
Logically, I know what I need to do, therapy, art, sitting, feeling - probably a good cry- but survival wise, it feels like if I do any of those things with my sadness today...well, I don't know when I will be able to get up. I feel like I could fall into some dark hole, and wake up months later, legless.
Send me wisdom? I often feel like those goats you see on YouTube videos :)