I have a "hectic" 3 months ahead, where I am taking part in many cool things. Things that would have blown my mind a year ago, heck even just at the start of the year.
I have been working hard, or trying to. Through the war, covid, personal conflicts, a summer of f-ing note. I have been also trying hard to give myself space, to heal, understand, grieve (God so much grieving). It all feels a bit weird sometimes. Like I have not only planted my seeds, but also laid upon the ground and smelt the Earth. I don't want to use the word balanced, far from it, but it feels like I have lived more than just 1 life in these past few months.
Back to the work...it feels like a lot of the seeds I have planted will finally sprout, bloom - and I will have to talk about it, tell people "Hey, look at this cool thing I am doing?!"
It makes me feel so uncomfortable.
I know that everyone, myself included, are so tired of having themselves sold to. I mean yesterday I saw an advert for a tool to rub the hair off your body...wtf? I don't want to be a part of that crew, BUTANDALSO, I believe in the people I am working and appearing with, their intentions, they are people of integrity. I also believe in the power of Art. What I will be shouting about is not a "Buff the GROSS hair off your body!" advert...again, WTF?
I also think, that if the people who are in these art programmes and other cool stuff just kept silent about it, I would NEVER have found out...what then? I would be feeling the familiar stress and pain of a day hunched over doing reports for someone simply because they demanded it (true story).
I know it's my limiting belief(s), I will need to work on it...but for today, I just want to be able to say, in my own safe space - that I am afraid of self-promotion, I am afraid of being like the people I worked with in other areas of my life (NOT THE ART SPACE), people who sold hopes and dreams...people so far up their own asses that self-promotion came more naturally than empathy, or respect.
LOL this turned into a F.M.O.L (fuck my old life) post!
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say....
Tamara
A self-promoting picture of myself. I love the chaos behind and in front of me.