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Writer's pictureTamara Sagathevan

Intrusions and Bullshit

Bit of a rant I guess.




Funerals are a big part of life back home, or at least I feel so. Maybe it is the high mortality rate, the violent crimes, road accidents, or the size of our families, friends, circles - that funerals make up such a regular part of life.


When my uncle died a few years ago, I wished, that I could, at the least, watch it on the internet, but it felt, at the time, sacrilegious to even ask my family to do that for me. Now with covid-19, many of the funerals back home are being broadcast on Facebook, or YouTube. It was how I was able to say goodbye to yet another uncle, and for that I am thankful. However since then, since last year December, I have watched more funerals than I care to mention.


Sometimes, like today, l feel like an intruder on other peoples grief.


Angles and views I would never see at the actual funeral I would attend, is now right there on my screen. Broken people, crying people, intimate close ups of their faces and words. While I sit almost 9000km's away, in my bed, watching on my cell phone.


And maybe it's because I am so far away that I can also see the bullshit.


The opportunistic who feed off the fear of death that fills a space. The people who scream and shout about hell to a group of grieving people. Who use it as a chance to list the many great qualities of the religious organisation they serve. Fancy suits saying words that lack empathy, compassion, true fucking understanding.


I was there, when they preached, paced and screamed, and God was not in their twisted words. I was here, on my balcony, and the wind blew across my tears and the Mother Moon lit the head of my partner on my breast, and I felt...God


My heart feels so heavy, my heart feels so angry.


T.


Effy WildBlog Along Sept 2021 - come along?

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morgaine.pendragon
13 sept 2021

When my mother-in-law died, they took photos of the wake and of her to send to her eldest son who was in Spain and couldn't make to the funeral. I thought it was an odd thing to do. Then, some years later, I came across very old photos that my Grandma had from Poland, among them were several funeral and wake photos. I guess it was a common thing to do for those who couldn't attend.

Never would I have thought there would be live streams of funerals, but I guess because of things it makes sense.

Feel all your feels. It's okay to do so. Sending you gentle hugs.

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tamaralsagathevan
tamaralsagathevan
13 sept 2021

Reena, I think culturally you have similar experiences - so to hear you say that, means a lot. Nature is ALWAYS coming out to witness! Today I was able to leave my apartment for the first time in a month I think, and I stomped and romped and it was so good to connect and see that autumn did NOT wait for me in the parts that I couldn't see from my balcony - it was so awesome! Thank you for always witnessing me <3

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Jean Puhlman
Jean Puhlman
13 sept 2021

I hope you find comfort and ease. <3

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tamaralsagathevan
tamaralsagathevan
13 sept 2021
Contestando a

Thank you Jean <3

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Miembro desconocido
12 sept 2021

It is amazing what a new "venue" for these kinds of things will reveal about these kinds of things. <3 I hope you find some ease for your heart.

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tamaralsagathevan
tamaralsagathevan
13 sept 2021
Contestando a

Thanks for that insight Effy, change of venue (like a whole country) has done so much for me, but I forgot that even changes like this are significant - cool thought

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Reensarai
Reensarai
12 sept 2021

I attended a youtube funeral the same way this year.I also attended zoom wedding the same day.I took a break from life that day because to have joy and pain gain and loss was too conflicting.you know what all the seagulls crows and morning doves came to my window.I had not noticed until I shut everything off.they were cooing,ruffling their feathers yes no loud cries,caws of high pitched cheers.that was a few minutes.You know what else...nature somewhere around you is reaching out to witness you too.I am sorry there is so much grief and loss.yet in that... here we are connecting heart to heart.Feel angry,feel heavy stomp on the ground,mama earth will understand.so lovely that the moon and wind are…

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