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In Hindsight...

Today I went through my old journal from last year, and the memories of where I was at this exact moment last year, were sobering:


"This sadness, it feels like I am stuck in something thick, gelatinous. I cannot move forward, back, up is definitely impossible...down works, it always works, because of gravity. When I sink down, the goo presses down upon me, filling in any cavity I leave behind. My chest is so heavy, it is so hard to breathe, I am scared the goo is inside my lungs. Maybe I am depressed? No, this is not as bad as last time."

I then proceeded to make a list of things to be grateful for which quickly turned into the good things that are "eaten", by the pandemic, my living situation, my health, and the most nosiy and greedy eater of all, work.

I am generally a positive person, so reading about this space I was in, remembering it - seeing the question of depression, vs admitting that I was, makes me feel sad for old me. Seeing the impact of 'toxic positive thinking' on my life is also a bit annoying, I was making a list of things to be grateful for, trying to solve my problems, when all I needed was acknowledgement from myself, and a day or two of deep rest. I am not saying that is the cure for depression, but it was what I needed. Which is also probably so easy to see in retrospect...

I have a coping mechanism that I have used these last months, to help me see what I need in the moment. I switch the voice in my head, to some motherly voice inside of me which is soothing and smart. She is able to give me permission to sleep the day away, or to do art vs. clean the kitchen, or to make sure that I eat a good meal, whether I cooked it or not. She tells me it's ok, labels what is going on if that is what I need. I don't think this means I now have the solutions to all my problems, but it definitely helps me on days when I blob at my desk. Maybe next year I will have different retrospective revelations, but I hope they're less of the heartsore-hindsight kind.

If you read this, do you have some retrospect to share vs. where you were last year? Do you also have those kind voices inside that you can sometimes activate?

Tamka, out.

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Sep 11, 2021

I look back to my art from the beginning,and i remember everything i was feeling while creating.I can relate to what you share here,next year you will evolve more into your authentic creative self.Each year we do unraveling layers by creating from our oh so awesome heart and soul.Breaks too.


powerful words, i wish i was a journaller, i would have many times that i would like to go back over, but i dont i have boxes in my head i dont reopen. that said, this last year has made everyone think about stuff in new and different ways. I do live for the here and now, the today, I try not to dwell on my past. Easier said than done. Today my hubby and I visited the grave of my late hubby. I am so very lucky to have this new life and a partner that fully and 100% gets it and supports my need to remember, as I support his. Yes I get sad about the life lost, but…

Sep 03, 2021
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Thank you for sharing that with me. I think it takes a deep love and maturity to be that kind of partner for someone. My uncle has a picture of his late wife in his home, which his current wife adorns with a garland and such. When I first saw it, I was young, and wondered if it felt weird to have that large picture of that very beautiful, first wife in her home. When I asked her about it [not in those words], she simply said it was because of her, that she had the man she had today - and she is eternally grateful for it. I am happy that you're happy to be here, in this life!

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