Today I went through my old journal from last year, and the memories of where I was at this exact moment last year, were sobering:
"This sadness, it feels like I am stuck in something thick, gelatinous. I cannot move forward, back, up is definitely impossible...down works, it always works, because of gravity. When I sink down, the goo presses down upon me, filling in any cavity I leave behind. My chest is so heavy, it is so hard to breathe, I am scared the goo is inside my lungs. Maybe I am depressed? No, this is not as bad as last time."
I then proceeded to make a list of things to be grateful for which quickly turned into the good things that are "eaten", by the pandemic, my living situation, my health, and the most nosiy and greedy eater of all, work.
I am generally a positive person, so reading about this space I was in, remembering it - seeing the question of depression, vs admitting that I was, makes me feel sad for old me. Seeing the impact of 'toxic positive thinking' on my life is also a bit annoying, I was making a list of things to be grateful for, trying to solve my problems, when all I needed was acknowledgement from myself, and a day or two of deep rest. I am not saying that is the cure for depression, but it was what I needed. Which is also probably so easy to see in retrospect...
I have a coping mechanism that I have used these last months, to help me see what I need in the moment. I switch the voice in my head, to some motherly voice inside of me which is soothing and smart. She is able to give me permission to sleep the day away, or to do art vs. clean the kitchen, or to make sure that I eat a good meal, whether I cooked it or not. She tells me it's ok, labels what is going on if that is what I need. I don't think this means I now have the solutions to all my problems, but it definitely helps me on days when I blob at my desk. Maybe next year I will have different retrospective revelations, but I hope they're less of the heartsore-hindsight kind.
If you read this, do you have some retrospect to share vs. where you were last year? Do you also have those kind voices inside that you can sometimes activate?
Effy Wild Blog Along Sept 2021