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Ten Things

1. Kate Bush

The only Kate Bush song I've known is BabOOshka, which I hated, because I perceived my grandfather to be leering at the karaoke TV whilst the song played on it. Funny how my brain assigned that memory. Plus it didn't help teenage me that my mum loved her.

Hearing the song - Running up that Hill, on Stranger Things 4, WELL let's say I am probably responsible for 1.2M of the 57M views on YouTube.

2. Running

That's been a common metaphor I have identified in many songs that make/have made an impact in my life. I often do think I am a runner, in the metaphorical sense (cannot stress that enough!). All I wanted to do was run away when my father died, just to a place where things were less. Sometimes I am afraid that I ran away from South Africa...suddenly not so metaphorical

3. South Africa

I miss home, deeply. I listen to DJ Kent mixes almost everyday, and then have a daily pretend music video to Spirit by Kwesta as I walk my dog. I've still got a lot of issues about going back home. I feel I am not resilient enough to handle the inevitable comments about: my body, judgements on my lifestyle, my religious ideas and the leaving my stable paying job.

It's not that I care, I think it's more, I feel I don't have the energy (in advance), and am afraid of the damage/further damage it can cause to what should be pretty solid relationships. That's pretty sad.

The pain of missing home, although great, is less than the pain of returning.

4. Sparrows

There is a gang of Sparrows, you read that right, GANG! Who seem keen on tormenting my little dog, as they heckle and taunt him behind the balcony's bars. I make sure that when I feed them he doesn't it feels like I am funding gang violence in my own community.

5. "Sparrows"

"Check you sparrows", or "be there sparrows" - means "early" in S.A. I have been trying to wake up sparrows recently. At 5AM. I like being awake at 5AM, but I have over the years developed an ability to sleep while the world wakes around me. It's proving tough.

6. Consistency

Was this the word for my year? I don't think I had one, I remember feeling a bit stressed out that I didn't have one - but I feel if I did, this word should be it. Fuck I need to be consistent, but I feel somewhere between leaving the corporate world and now, I have lost my resiliency and that I am susceptible to every single wave in the pond. Any emotional damage and I am out for days...IF I am lucky.

7. Fairness

But if I am fair to myself, I was leading a pretty numb existence before now, 'back then'. And I don't mean doing the work, I mean churning out work. So I quelled every single wave, to live on that calm surface, an immovable surface...cause it was so thick and overgrown with algae and other crap.

So it makes sense that I am kinda the opposite now...

8. Balance

Still I want balance...when will I get to be wise? Wearing some colourful and loosely woven kaftan, dispensing cool ass advice, telling some great stories. I have an Aunt like that, Aunty Pom. I feel like she is one of the most balanced individuals I have ever witnessed. I wish I had more of her in my life.

9. Goals

I have loads of goals for the second half of the year. I feel like I should list them all for accountability, then I feel that I should shut up about them so that I can incubate them.

So can we settle for me saying "I have loads of goals, loads"

10. "Take a Ouija Board Attitude to Your Brush"

That's a Lynda Barry quote, from her book "What it Is". I highly recommend the book, HIGHLY.

It explains half of my painting process recently. I show up with my brush and then it gets pushed around, and I am shitting myself with nerves and excitement. I honestly haven't pinned down what it is, how to do it, why it's happening - you know all the stuff it is somehow integral for me to know - so my response for now is *SHRUG*

Here's what the process can look like:

Thank you for reading ;) Tamka Out

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