Speaking About Not Speaking
Something I have been thinking about for a while has been self-censoring myself. Recently I had to explore it more when recording a podcast episode.
I am often self-censoring in life. When I post on social media (except Instagram), when I need to speak to someone, or interact with them, especially if I feel they are judging me or what I need to say - I self-censor.
My blog posts have probably become my safest form of expressing myself.
Safest meaning, probably the least likely to be misconstrued, and admittedly the least likely to be seen.
See I can't help but want to express myself. I want to put down every roiling memory, every thought attached to things, out into some medium; art, video, writing. Why? So I can gain some perspective on it, or have "I" see it, or share it, maybe understand it, sometimes it's all just to get it out. I need to get it out, and be witnessed.
I don't really censor my art, I usually paint what I want, childish, grumpy, not-pretty, I am ok with that, and I love it. I do however censor myself when it comes to other forms of expressing, because some days I don't feel that I have the energy, emotional vocabulary, or even the fucks to deal with any 'backlash'.
I am not setting out to offend. I am definitely NOT looking for a fight, metaphorically or literally. I don't want to cut off people, or be cut off. I just want to fucking express myself, tell my truths, not just with art, but also with words. My literal damn voice.
Something I find interesting is that I had a chronic cough, which just got worse over the years. More and more, I am convinced that it was from years of no longer speaking my truth, being supressed and then losing fight to even speak. Now I cough much less, it's almost incomparable, it has to be something physical triggering my reaction. However now and then, when I swallow something I want to say down. When I find my throat closing around what to say, I start coughing.
And geez have I been coughing...
I want to tell more of my story, of the two very important phases in my life, which I keep censoring myself around; work and family. The more I censor myself, the more it comes out in uncontrolled flashes, where so much context is needed to explain whatever came out, that the person who heard it finds it easier to accept their version vs. even hearing mine...
...and I know what others think of you, is none of your business...BUTTTTTT...
I want to speak about the good, and the bad - what I got and what I continue to get from these two relationship categories', AND now that I have said, I hope that I will have more courage to do it...coz life if short and so am I.
Here is a YouTube Video, where I paint, and deliver the above chat, if watching and listening is more your thing ;)
*PS: My friend Iris Fritschi-Cussens from Iris Impressions Art, is recording a podcast with me. It has been amazing, and I cannot wait to put it out into the world!